Monday, March 27, 2006

Like butta', mmmm... maybe a little more like jello

So, lately I've been inordinately proud of my breasts. This is not like me. I was not one of those little girls who was waiting to blossom. I liked my streamlined, pragmatic, asexual body. Even recently, as boasts about my burgeoning bosom have surfaced unplanned like Freudian slips, I've clung to the idea that I'm a 36 C. You see, I am a person who likes elegance in design, where form follows function. And even though people might not guess it to look at my outerwear, I have very specific tastes. My bras don't look fancy, but they fit perfectly, and I pride myself on this kind of elegance. All my bras are the exact same bra- Olga, with a flower in the middle, 36 C, minimizer bras. They fit perfectly. And then suddenly, they didn't. Something looked wrong. My nipples were showing through my shirts. It was time for a change, and I finally had to admit that I had hot-pocketed my way right into a D cup. My bras look enormous now. When I brought home a new one, my roommate exclaimed, "That could fit on my head!" It reminded me of a Designing Women episode when the red head was the keeper of the busty brunette's bra and she put it on her head. I haven't reached Delta Burke status yet, but I do have an abundance of flesh. It seems almost overindulgant.

As I stood in the dressing room with my bouncy breast tissue held aloft like it was on a tray, and my toddler-like belly protruding defiantly, I thought, "Have I gone too far?" Is this reveling in all this butter contributed fat and flesh too much? Should I kick into streamline phase, build up my muscles and melt all this delicious fat off my body? Then what would I do with all the new clothes I'm buying?!" I turned and looked at myself from the side. If I jut my stomach out and make it taught in instead of jiggly, I could look pregnant. I will make a darn cute pregnant woman. Then I wondered if the old tautology was true: To get pregnant, one must not already look pregnant... Nah... Who wouldn't want to revel in all this extra bouncy flesh with me. My rolling thighs and protruding belly look just as cute on me as they do on a toddler, right? And even though I don't understand the sexual allure of breasts, I know that some people do.

I think my current pride in my girth is the closest I've come to understanding some men's pride in their package. It's like a female version of machismo. Well, we'll see where all this intuitive eating and moving leads me. I'm never going back to forcing myself to eat crappola again. I'm not eating on an eating plan. I'm not running 36 thousand miles, or even 36 if I don't want to. I am going to keep buying clothes that I like for my body as it is now. I can always put them in a box when my body changes. I don't know why I thought I had to get my body to one specific place and try and keep it there. A woman's body changes so much in her life, and if I have my way, it's going to change a lot more in the coming years, and I won't have to pretend I'm pregnant. I can have a box of clothes for different future sizes. I have room in my life for my changing body, and these DKNY jeans I'm wearing are going to make excellent early maternity jeans. So, I guess I don't have to worry about losing my breasts to exercise. They'll come back eventually, taught with expectation, like my toddler belly.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Curvy and Naughty (another annoying quiz result)

Curvy and Naughty
Raw score: 48% Big Breasts, 45% Big Ass, and 48% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and sexier composures than others who've taken the test.
Note that you like women overall curvier than average.
[Talk about self serving opinions.]
My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens.
[Or you're genetically programmed to be a mother. What can I do?]
If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sexier, naughtier look. Kudos!
Recommended Celebrities: Supermodel Laetitia Casta and Actress Angelina Jolie.
Link: The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test written by chicken_pot_pie.

Ok, weird test, I know. But, I couldn't help myself. I'm only sorry that I got a picture with Angalina on it (cut it accidentally,) because I am on Team Aniston, naturally. I would think that I would have scored higher on the cuteness factor, but I think they were basing "cuteness" on other features than I would. The test sure called it when it picked Laetitia Casta though. Sheesh.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Chicken and kitty cuteness

Don't you just love interspecies friendships?

This is what happens when you have to turn to the internet for TV.

For all of you who have been wondering what I look like

Alright... it's not me. I wish I could dance like that! That kid is ammmmaaaazzzzinnnggg!

It's been a hard days night...

My fifth day of work completed. I was going to go out to dinner and go dancing, but was too tired for either. Will I be able to make it through and to my many planned activities tomorrow? We'll see. Last night I choked back sobs: my monthly existential angst strikes again. It is really weird to be basically afflicted with what seems like the symptoms as a mental illness for one day a month. I felt glum in the afternoon, but by the evening, I felt like my life was meaningless and I ached with grief and despair. And then (to be just as gross as I can, sorry everyone,) I start bleeding and I'm fine. It's very strange.

Last night a friend came over and distracted me with his smelly farts and his gross cleanex. I had been crying and talking when I realized I had better just stop and go the distraction route. Everything is better with a friend, even if they are smelly.

Finally I find people who hate knowing anything about a movie before they see it as much as me.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Day three: Work finally sparks some interest

Would I have to rely on the money to motivate me? Would I have to think thoughts of "deliciousness" and "fun" ad nauseum? These were the questions that haunted me. (Can you be haunted by questions after only two days?) Not to worry! Today I spoke with real enthusiasm to a co-worker. And you know what brought on this great enthusiasm? Blogs! And their many uses. Yay! I just got myself invited to some meetings.

And they want me to go to a conference in June. This tickles me to no end.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Bursts of Determination

What makes you feel determined? I've had several long haul determination spurts this year, and a couple short spurts during the last two days. Last year I graduated, with all A's in my last semester (I add extraneously, just for fun. :) This year I searched my booty off looking for a new job and then I looked at SO MANY different places while I was searching for a place to live. I must have emailed at least 50 people. One day I looked at 6 different places. In one day!

Last night I came home vaguely unsatisfied, and then I said, no! I'm not going to sit and watch Sex and the City endlessly in defeat, and I bought a bedroom set and did some other things I needed to get done. Tonight I came home lonely and whined to you in the last post. But then, I said, forget that. It's just time to kick my social life into high gear. And I invited people over for an impromptu dinner party tomorrow night.

This is not bragging. I once spent two years in my twenties living at home restlessly unable to get myself motivated. Believe me, I know of what Augastine speaks. (Maybe determination has it's own anti-inertia?) I wonder what has gotten into me? Vision? Desperation? What motivates you?

I'm a fast learner, I already found at that on my death bed I won't wish I had spent more time at the office

Don't get me wrong. I'm very glad I got a job and I think this is a great first job for me. The people are nice, really glad to have me, and there is a lot of growth potential in my job. Also, it's awesome to be able to contribute in a valuable way to an organization and they are giving me enough leeway to do that. (I think. It's only my second day, ok!) Also, I'm not going to go all Hammie Homemaker on you and tell you that I just want to stay home with the kids. (Just an expression, I don't have kids.) Because it feels really good to create and be part of something bigger than yourself, and I always want to have that in my life


... I do want to stay home with the kids at least part of the time! And cuddle with them! It is the people that make life enjoyable for me, and meaningful! I want the people. Of course, I want the husband, and I really want the childrens, and I also want the friends and the extended family. I think I just want someone to come home to. I have so many great people in my life, but getting together with them takes coordinating. I'm missing personal connection right now. I'm the new kid on the block at work. Everyone is nice, but I'm feeling too shy to be fun. Ahhhh... I met a nice woman on the bus today. It's weird. I'm in the same town, but I feel like I have a whole new life in some ways. I've met so many people in the last couple days. I was right about myself, I'm glad I didn't move to a new time. Ok, time to stop rambling and set up my social schedule.

Goodnight, and Good luck!

Monday, March 20, 2006

What I've learned: Advice for the working woman

Hey all ya'll! Just got back from my first day of work. Here is my advice to me and you. If you have additional advice, I'd love to hear it!
  1. Make everything as convenient as possible: convenient haircut, under 10 minute meals, convenient transportation. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
  2. You work for you. Do your best job you can for your company, and remember to keep your list of accomplishments updated and to keep your eyes open for opportunity. Don't misplace your loyalties. Don't bond to an entity that can't bond back, and while doing your best job now, remember your long term goals.
  3. Choose your tasks with awareness. As set in stone as job descriptions sounds, there is usually some leeway to follow different paths. Sometimes women are used to being in support positions and helping someone else achieve their dreams, even at work. Make sure you take what leeway you have in your job to create. Be the architect of your own dreams.
  4. Decide not only what you will do, but how you will do it. I like to ask myself, how can I make this fun? I realized today that for me it is fun to have friendly relationships at work. Asking myself, "How can I make this fun?" reminded me to seek out human contact even though I was feeling shy.
  5. Add pleasure to your daily routine. Do you just love a certain author? Get the book on tape to listen to while you drive to work. Put a postcard size replica of your favorite painting up in your cubicle.
I don't know how parents can take care of their kids and work full time jobs. Working parents of the world, I salute you. Future husband, please start doing something that you can earn enough money working part time at and still help support our future family. I'll work on that too.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Neo-Cortex vs Limbic

Hey all ya'll! It's been awhile. I'm still looking for a place to live so that I can get to my new job easily. When I've had spare time I've been looking up rooms and apartments, calling places, and visiting them. It feels like a microcosm of looking for a husband. I see a lot of places that don't quite fit and hold out for something better and then miss places that would have been better than having nothing, and I have to find somewhere to live. I comfort myself with the thought that when it comes to husbands I don't have to settle because I don't have to have a husband. I have high hopes for a place I'm looking at tonight.

I've been staying with my friend Red since the 7th. It's actually been kind of fun. It's not much different than our usual friendship because we do our own thing and we talk at the same times during the day when we used to talk on the telephone. We have fought less than usual. We usually only fight about ideas- we get along well in the course of living. Of course, when we talk about ideas, I find myself appealingly sagacious and him irritatingly obtuse.

He read a book called A General Theory of Love and was telling me about the ideas. I disagree with part of it and he was furious because I hadn't even read it. So, I read it. I still disagreed with the same part of it, but really enjoyed most of it. (The part I disagreed with might be fodder for FMH because one of the author's ideas is that it is harmful for babies to get their emotional needs met from a variety of caretakers and that the mother should be the primary emotional rock. I think that is an incredibly modern idea and that the truth is that people are fairly tribal and that a child with many caring adults in their life is going to be happier and the mom is going to be a lot happier too.)

So, today we were listening to NPR which doesn't bode well for our happy household. They were talking about torture. I think that people can torture other people because they think of them as less than human, or as "other" and they are very loyally tied to their own "tribe" and part of that is doing the "tribe's" will. That is how people can do horrible things and still think of themselves as a good person. We can all witness this in action in our selves. To take it to an extreme, most of us can brush our teeth or take antibiotics and destroy little life forms without guilt. Then comes the more familiar life forms like chicken and fish and cows, that many of us eat and still consider ourselves to be good people. It's the same process. We are emotionally tied to beings we consider in our group. I think following orders that are cruel, and prejudice are some of the dark sides of a limbic brain that allows us the beautiful ability to bond to our babies and love other people, and creatures. Red, full of feeling, I think erroneously bows before this limbic system seeing it as all good and our neo-cortex as the cause of all our evils. He thinks that people can torture other people because they are not connected enough to their hearts/limbic brains.

What do you all think?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Public Thanks: Dress for Success

I will send them a thank you letter, and I also wanted to publicly say:

Thank you, Dress for Success, for my free interview suit!

If you don't know about this organization, they provide women with free interview outfits so that they can get jobs. Usually the women are recommended by some other charity organization or government org. that is serving them, but I just called them myself and they told me to come on in. I felt idiotic asking for a free suit, but I didn't know what else to do. They quickly put me at ease and I just wanted to cry because they were so kind to me. They set up each appointment as if you are visiting a boutique. You get a whole hour of looking through the donated clothes with your own personal shopper. Everything they have is new or like new. They have shoes, jewelry, purses, nylons, tops, and suits. I got a pant suit and a new purse.

If you have new or like-new business clothes and accessories that you don't need anymore, Dress for Success is a very worthy place to donate to. They treat people with dignity and respect, and help them to take a step forward in their lives.

Thank you, Dress for Success!

I got a job!

Well, kids, it's official. I just (officially) got my first full time, benefits and everything, post master's degree job in my field. YES! It is about as perfect for me as it could be, and that includes positive and intelligent people. I'm really excited, and I'm excited they picked me. I imagined getting this job so much that it almost feels like I am still imagining it. I'm sure when I get my cavities filled and can finally chew with my whole mouth again that it will seem very real! Yay!

Now all those articles that tell me to budget, and save, and give to charity will have relevance to me, as I will now be earning a regular income for the first time in years. I am going to buy new bras, and underwear, and go to the dentist, and get new contacts (one of mine has a chip in it, but I haven't been able to buy a new one!) I am going to buy clothes that I actually like. I am going to SAVE MONEY in a, wait for it, it's kind of an exotic idea, in a SAVINGS ACCOUNT! Yay!! I am going to have money to spend on.... You know, stuff I need and WANT?! This is very exciting and new. And to top it all off, I will get to work at a COOL place.

My years of being ultra thrifty will come in handy, because even with my planned amount of savings I will be getting a raise in my standard of living. Oh yeah, and then there are those student loans... But I don't have to start paying those off until July, and I will still have extra spending money. So, I am going to be living it up, and getting my teeth whitened! And... and... :)

And I can finally tell all the people who so generously gave me reccomendations that I got the job. I have asked for help from more people in this time in my life than I ever have before. One of the benefits of asking for help is that after sharing my struggles it feels much more meaningful to share my joys and triumphs. Thanks everyone!

me :)

Friday, March 03, 2006

It's like a freaky relationship

Seriously, this was my day. I knew I had to wake up early, but there was no alarm clock to be found in the dirty but lovingly offered apartment of a friend I am cat sitting for. So, even though I was surviving on very little sleep from the night before, this morning I woke up at 6, and then 7, and then 7:15... You get the idea. All to be sure that I woke up on time to drive a friend to the hospital.

In dating, they say you should keep your options open until you know the person you are committing to is just as committed to you. So it also goes, in the job hunt. Well, I have been seriously counting my chickens when all I've got is eggs, during the last few days. And today was the day the hiring manager was going to call me and let me know if I was off the market or not. My friend who I drove to the hospital was giving me advice in her time of need, about salary negotiation. I have moved out and haven't moved in anywhere. (Thus, the cat-sitting.) So I gave the HR person two numbers and crossed my fingers that she would find me, but she didn't call!

I felt like one of those girls who has read too much into a guy's casual interest and then had the misfortune to brag about it to everyone! I have been slacking off on my job hunt and kind of waiting to decide where to live based on this call. I'm tired and stressed and I watched 3 hours of Sex and the City today. (That was one of the good parts of the day.) I had to compulsively check my email one more time before I went to bed, and there was a message from the HR person. Her child was home sick. She did not just blow me off. I didn't wait by the phone in vain. Phew.... Adventure is great, but uncertainty on so many fronts is stressing me out.

Good night!