Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Yesterday I cried in Barnes and Noble...

I don't know why. Could it be the perennial Memorial Day blues? Could I be close to the hormonal T.O.T.M. (time of the month.) Could I be mourning something I didn't realize I needed to be mourning? Just stress from my crappy roommate? It actually felt really good to cry and I wished that I could have just let it all out, but I was in a public place and it was not a small cry. So, I put the book (that was making me cry?) in front of my face, tried to stare off into space and think of something that wouldn't make me cry, wiped my eyes and took my three books up to the clerk. Tears kept coming out of my eyes and I kept having to stare off into space, and do non-cry thinking. When I imagined the clerk noticing me crying, it would make me cry again.

I couldn't talk. I was afraid it would make me sob. He tried to be gentlemanly, "Oh, I see the allergies are getting to you, too." (As a tear rolls down my cheek.) "Actually," I whisper, trying not to cry, "it was one of the books." "Oh," he said, and offered me a tissue. "Well don't tell anyone, but when I read Love You Forever, I cried." "The children's book?" I whispered. "Don't tell anyone."he said jovially. "It's a secret." I whispered froggily. I finally looked up and he gave me a remarkably kind smile. I rushed out. Kind smiles make me cry, sometimes.

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Sunday, May 29, 2005

Star Wars

I just saw Star Wars. Quickly turn away if you haven't seen it!
I don't know if I'll write any spoilers in here, but I hate to hear anything before seeing a movie. Wow. It was better than I expected, and better than some people told me it would be. Now that I've seen it, I can finally go read Roger Ebert's review. It was intense and I felt more sad after seeing it than during the movie. I'm just so sad that Anikan turned bad, and I'm sad that he had to burn up like that. I think the reason it really pulls at me emotionally is because it mirrors many of the feelings I've had as our nation has gone to war and as people have voted for less freedom. It just hurts that people can get so caught up in a fake enemy and resort to killing people to "liberate" them.

Padme was just about to say, "There's still hope." Sometimes when I have felt down about political decisions people have made, I take the long view. I think, "well, there will be another ice age and it will all be wiped out. Not to worry, the damage isn't permanent." That sounds really fatalistic, huh. It reminds me of a quote I read in Finding Flow, attributed to Buddhists:
Act always as if the future of the Universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference.
I think that's a little heavy. (you think) But I do think that everything we do can have an effect and that an effective way to think of that is with hope- that even the little things you do make a difference, and not with guilt- that's where the laughing at yourself needs to come in.

Oh yeah, the special effects were really cool too. :)

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Saturday, May 28, 2005

I want money

Grad student cartoon sung to the tune "Part of your World" from Disney's The Little Mermaid. I especially like the part,
Going home to those (what do you call them?) oh, Weekends!
Ha! :)

(I've been hanging out at Roundy Wells again:)


Name that feminist

Some of my best writing is in other people's comment sections. The good writers are so stimulating and it becomes like writing a letter. One of my friends and I discovered the same thing about our journals and our letters in college. Out letters to each other were so much more interesting than our journal entries that we would write in journals to each other and then photo-copy them and send them as letters.! Wow, I had forgotten all about that. How neat to have a friend so close that we could send our journal entries to each other.

Anyhoo, here, in a nod to my heritage, is a comment I left at Feminist Mormon Housewives, it was a post about taking, or not, your husband's last name:
Ok, I'm chiming in to this looonng discussion. I decided to keep my last name a long time ago, (purely for reasons of principle, because I have a fairly inelegant last name. Now, I kind of like it because it's funny.) However, one of my boyfriends said he thought it was more romantic for a couple to share a name and I thought about it and thought that one possibility, among hundreds, is to find a common ancestor or ancestoral place and take that as a last name. I have lots of cool last names in my heritage, for example: Braidwood. :)

I am not just changing my last name to my husband's though. I think women are used to saying, "It's not a big deal, I don't mind." But I think a good test of how fair something is, is would it go both ways? If the last name isn't a big deal, would your husband change his name to yours? Well, then it's a pretty big deal, isn't it. (She said gently)
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Thursday, May 26, 2005

My anonymous blog

My blog has actually turned out to be more self-revealing than I intended and I've told friends and family about it, hoping they would drop by. It is interesting to notice the pull to share, and the pull to keep things to myself. I tend to the private side. However, I think this makes my blog a lot less interesting and sometimes less insightful. I have much better journal entries (book type journal.) I do imagine an audience for my journals, too. I write as honestly as I can and imagine people reading it 50 years or more after I am dead and long gone. Then people can make of it what they will and hopefully it will help somebody. Like someone said, we are like water we change so much. Sometimes beyond what we can even notice. Who wants to keep those images of ourselves locked in stone for all the world to see. On the other hand, I appreciate people's honesty. If it was a more forgiving world, then maybe more sharing would be advisable. Then there's the other kind of private, the kind that is not kept back out of fear, but out of specialness. (Although I hate that word.) The kind of beauty that you hold in your hands for a moment and then dip your hands back into the river and let it go.

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I just thought this was pretty

Totally random scribble.


Portfolio Using Blog Software

I'm in the process of creating an online portfolio for what I hope will be my day job. I decided to use blog software, Blogger, specifically, and tweak it. I really like how it looks and I may link to an example if I have time in the near future. My goal was to create a portfolio without Dreamweaver or tables that was easily updatable and pretty. The only trouble I'm having is that my FTP doesn't seem to want to upload pictures right now. Grr...

(This is giving me something small and concrete to focus on, to ease me into non-school life. Hope you are all well, out here in Blogland!)

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

End of Semester Ennui

I had a similar feeling after I finished the marathon. A great organizing force in my life is over (for awhile.) Thanks to this book I understand the curious after effect of accomplishing a big goal.

Things that make me feel better when I'’m in this mood:
I know these are just temporary measures and not very zen buhda like. But, whatever (non-violent, fairly benign behavior) gets you through the night, right?

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Cultural Creatives: How 50 Million People Are Changing the World

...if you hunger for a deep change in your life that moves you in the direction of less stress, more health, lower consumption, more spirituality, more respect for the earth and the diversity within and among the species that inhabit her, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I blogged about Cultural Creatives at one point on this blog. I wish I could find it. Now Augustine has brought the words to light again. You can read more about Cultural Creatives here.

There is also a Cultural Creatives web ring. Some of the sites included look a bit new agey for me. ("I'd like some Cultural Creative, heavy on the science.")
There is nothing flaky about this. There is nothing New Age about this. These people are practical. They love the Earth, and they want to live their values.
Oh, well thanks, Meta Filter. Count me in then. Most of the comments at MetaFilter were harsh and I don't think most of the commenters actually read the book. Although I thought this one was pretty funny:
Do cultural creatives have indigo children when they mate?
HA! :) Despite some self aggrandizement and new ageyness of the people who count themselves as Cultural Creatives, sociologist Paul Ray and psychologist Sherry Anderson discovered a real phenomenon in the culture and their book is definitely worth reading.

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What is your worldview?

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative
















What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com


Monday, May 23, 2005

I'm not a siren! (said with an Irish accent)

You scored as Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.













What Mythological Creature are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

(At least I was 0% demon.)


Promoting your blog

I ignore the stats... I look at the stats... it's a cycle I go through directly related to how busy my real life is. So, now that school has ended... I have a strategy in mind that I'm going to experiment with. I'll let you know the results as I go. For now, an easy way to up your traffic, from Blogger Help:
People look for blog content at Technorati every day, are you on their list? You should be. Submit your blog's url to Technorati, Daypop, Blogdex, Popdex, and any other site of that ilk you come across. With the exception of Technorati, many of these sites are hobby or graduate student projects but they continue to gain visitors looking for interesting blogs to read, bookmark, and revisit.
Current average daily visitors: 9

Sunday, May 22, 2005

(And you thought it would never happen)

I'm done with school!!! (for the semester) I wrote a paper I'm proud of. Did a successful project for a client and now I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today I recorded 4 songs in a recording studio. If I can figure out how to post them here I will. It was soo fun and it turns out that I like my voice! I have never liked how my voice sounds in recordings before, but mixer Mike, the recording studio guy said that most recordings distort the voice but his equiptment was for real. THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE! I really have been slightly embarrassed about my singing and talking voice for a while now. Damn cheap recorders!
And now, with a new season just underway, I am ready for a few changes. I'm moving, looking for a job, and da, da, da... I want to rename my blog! Any suggestions? "Yes, please!" just isn't doing it for me anymore. How about "Yes, right now, damnit."? You get the idea. Just give me what you got. Oh.. how about, "The Blue Guitar?!" Hmmm!


Friday, May 20, 2005

Illustration Friday: Aquatic

Fishies! I have been longing for the warm water of Hawaii lately. Enjoy the ocean, fishies!

Credit notes: I used these sailboats and fishes on one of the first websites I created. The colored pattern in the sailboats and two of the fishes is from some free art on a web template called "aperature" and I'm sorry to say that I don't remember where it came from anymore.


Thursday, May 19, 2005

Streams of Glory

I day dream of glory. So, I daydream of improbable glorious events that mostly never happen, but every now and then, in an off kilter way, they do. The last daydreamed event happened many moons ago was when I was 18. There was a popular, cute, beautiful, boy at school and I would imagine over and over him showing up at my front door to come and see me. My gosh, the persistance of young crushes. One day there was a knock at my door and when I opened it, he was standing there, in all his 18 year old glory. I just blinked at him and eventually he had to walk past me into my apartment. It was unbelievably surreal. My fantasy come true. I can still see the light streaming in around him. It is moments like that that make one question their reality. This glorious moment turned out to be pretty mundane, he was there to study with my gorgeous roommate, but I was still amazed. You may be interested to know that he did later become my lover for two years, (mormon style that is.)

Well, in contrast, today's story isn't much of a story. But as I was slogging through my research paper I had images of it becoming published and eventually leading, (as most of my fantasies tend to) to fortune and (somewhat obscure) fame! :) In reality, I thought my paper was a weak little thing, but I still liked it. Today I presented it and afterwards, my teacher, who originally had major doubts about my topic, said that he thought I could publish it! It was so cool! The surface of my skin was vibrating til the class was over.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Blue Guitar

The man bent over his guitar,
A shearsman of sorts. The day was green.

They said "You have a blue guitar,
You do not play things as they are."

The man replied, "Things as they are
Are changed upon the blue guitar."

by Wallace Stevens

The Man With The Blue Guitar
Found in The Optimistic Child

I'm going to use that for one of my albums someday. Don't steal it! (First recording session on Saturday. :)


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Paint your room, virtually

I'm moving. I'm already planning to paint my room. Try out virtually here.

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Sunday, May 15, 2005

FABULOUS resource if you are moving

Ok, you know how when you move to a new place everything is so much more work, because just to do a simple errand like running to the post office, you have to look in the phone book??Well, I just found a FABULOUS shortcut!! Check out Google Maps, type in your new address to get the map of your place, and then click on "local search." Then you can type in whatever you are looking for and it will give you the results within that map area! Very handy! (Make sure to click on "satellite" too, for a cool view.)


Who's in your tribe?

I'm researching "optimism" right now. There is an interesting interplay between changing your external world and changing your internal world. My focus is on education, changing people internally, but sometimes it seems much more compassionate to remember that people do have certain needs from the outside world. So, this is just a shout out to the idea of changing your external world, which also I think is very important.

Tribe news:
I visited my church tribe today.
I talked to two relatives and two friends on the phone.
And.... da, da, da, da... I'm moving!!!!!!!!!! Yay! I'm moving in with 3 people who have created a welcoming homey environment. I'm so glad. I was longing for a homey home.

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Saturday, May 14, 2005


Wow. Have you guys seen this? What would your secret be?


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Illustration Friday: Mischief

With finals and all, I was going to skip this week until I saw this article.
Chris Bazinet, at St John's University in New York believes that early mitochondria were mischievous. They could have colonised new hosts by bursting out and jumping to nearby cells.
Mitochondria are the "powerhouses" of our cells. I used to know what that means, but now all I know is that they are an important part of producing energy for us. Ok, before I go further, I want to make it clear that they are a part or our bodies. And guess what? They used to be parasites!!!! That's right. Mitochondria is:
A remnant of an ancient parasitic bacteria that now helps to produce energy inside the cell.
What!?! How come no one ever told me this?
Try not to be creeped out as you go to sleep tonight.
(Those mischevous mitochondria.)

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Hey Family!

I love science. I find it moving. One of the science films that I still talk about was a film where Dr. Spencer Wells used DNA to map out the journey that humans to took from place to place. They came out of Africa, across India, to Australia... and on... and on... We're one big family, dontchaknow. Now, there's an article at NPR about a new project to test 100,000 DNA samples.
"The amazing thing to come out of all of this is how closely related we all are," Wells says. "We share a common ancestor -- a man who lived in Africa around 60,000 years ago. That's only about 2,000 generations."

Eventually, those who volunteered their own DNA for the project will be able to go to a Web site to discover what Wells calls a "personal journey."

"You're going to be able to... figure out the journey of your Y chromosome if you're male, and the mitochondrial DNA if you're female -- the journey your ancestors took from those very early days in Africa to where you live today," he says.
Ahh!! Yes, you can participate in the study and trace your own ancestors' journeys!

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What Color Eyes Would Your Children Have?

Now this is super cool. And now I really have got to go to bed.

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All I need is 2,127 more links...

...and I'll be on Technorati's top 100 list.This is a fun place to go for bloggers, if you are not easily discouraged. You can see who is linking to you. I discovered a post about me and a new link to me by searching here! It's fun, you'll see!

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Mountain Woman


Where you all from, anyway?

Ok, this is the last one I'm doing today, but this one is REALLY interesting! ("Interesting" with 3 or 4 syllables, you decide.)

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

15% Yankee

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern


You Are 35 Years Old

You Are 35 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

I'd say that's about right. 30's or late 20's!
Thanks to Jewelia for the link!


Pablo Paredes

The pioneers of a warless world are the youth that refuse military service.
- Albert Einstein

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Monday, May 09, 2005

Feeling lonesome? Need a cookie?

Barbara Sher would like this study. Years ago she came up with the idea that people didn't need to improve them selves to get what they wanted in life, they just needed a team. This study from San Diego State University: Social Rejection Impairs Self-Control, adds empiracle evidence to that idea.
“Because these were lab experiments, we know that the rejection causes this breakdown in self-control – and not the other way around,” said SDSU Psychology professor Jean Twenge, whose extensive work in the area of social rejection has also helped to better understand acts of violence and aggression. “So there is some truth to the popular image of people eating cookies and ice cream after a break-up. They also won’t want to get up from the couch to do anything challenging.”
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Sunday, May 08, 2005

Making sense of the conservative worldview

Like me, do you find yourself wondering about the mental capacity and observational ability of some of those near and dear to you? Or do you not even know who those strange red state people are?
They have no doubt who they are: They're the pro-family people, defenders of moral values. But if that's so, then who are we? The anti-family people? Destroyers of moral values?

We can't even demonize them without betraying our Principles; spawns of Satan don't have inherent worth and dignity...[and] I have to wonder where the interfaith dialogue goes after we attribute our opponents' views to “derangement.” Satisfying as it can be to write fundamentalists off as crazy, stupid, or evil, if we're going to be true to ourselves we first have to try to understand them as thinking, feeling human beings.
This non-demonizing article looks at the way people frame ideas and how that influences how we think. It offers insights, (and facts to make progressives smile) like this:
It is very hard to remember, think about, or even hear facts that don't make sense to you. Those who see conservatives as pro-family and liberals as anti-family have no place to put the fact that liberal Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country. It just won't stick in their heads.
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Have I mentioned that I ran a marathon!!

Yes, revere me. Less than a year ago at this time I could run 20 miles. I rock. I still rock even though running 3 miles would be have my lungs aching at this point. Once you run a marathon you rock indefinately. That is the glory of the marathon. Lisa Watts apparently made that running thing a habit.
When I started running in my twenties, the exercise suited and soothed me. Out on the road, breathing hard, I could burn up my frustrations and sort out my questions. Years have passed, but I keep running. In hectic times, it grounds me. In wary, uncertain times, the miles sometimes point the way to some solution or relief.
Read the ten spiritual life lessons that running taught Lisa Watts.
Thanks to Laura at Starling Fitness for the link.

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"The Gap"

This article is about the infamous “gap” that exists in the UU church (young UU kids leave the church when they get out of high school.) The author makes an interesting case that there are two very different churches within UUism- the youth church which emphasizes spiritual rituals and the honoring of all religions, and the adult church made up of many people who left some of those religions with not-too fond memories. The author says the youth group is lacking the inclusion of secular humanism, and the practice of reasoning through theological and ethical questions, while the adult church is lacking many of the participatory and demonstrative rituals that the youth have.

This really speaks to me because I highly value reason and science, and what moves me spiritually are participitory, poetic, artistic rituals.

What do you all think? What is important to you? What do you want more of?

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Not a Hallmark Holiday after all

Mother's Day started as a peace movement. Check out the Mother's Day Proclamation by Julia Ward Howe.
...Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs...
Oh yeah, sing it, sister.

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Saturday, May 07, 2005

Oh for an extended Indian Family

Augustine's aunt and uncle are getting old. Hey, anyone reading this post, send a loving thought Natalie's way today, will ya?
I remember the last week I saw my great-grandma, who I loved very much. She was 98, living in her own apartment and completely had her wits about her, but her body was fading away and she was in pain. I rubbed arthritis medicine onto her back and shivers went up and down my body as I touched the butterfly outline of the back of her pelvis, showing through her skin.
My Granddad, who was her son-in-law, and her were the only two left in town and he shopped for her, took her to her appointments and did her errands. My Granddad never liked her and I bless his sweet heart for stoically and herocially taking care of his beloved wife's mother.
Now my Granddad is old. And my witty, intelligent Granddad has Alzheimers. Luckily, he has the super sweet kind and his taciturn nature has burnt away and his sweetness shows through. We have a very small family and have patched together an "extended Indian family." My mom hired a helper, he calls her his angel, to go visit him twice a week and help him with his bills etc. A bus comes and takes him to the senior center twice a week and three of us call him on a rotating basis, and we visit when we can. My mom visits the most.
My mom, her husband, my aunt, and I are going to Hawaii this summer and we are taking my Granddad! This is something I don't think he would ever have done before getting Alzheimers. He says uncustomary things every now and then. He told my mom that he wanted a chiuaua and wanted to go to Hawaii. My mom grabbed on to this passing idea like a terrier with a rat in it's grip, and now she has talked (and re-talked) my addled Granddad into going to Hawaii with us. YAY!
I think it will be fun.

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Friday, May 06, 2005

I was jealous

But I've decided that I love her so, for posts like this. Thanks, Dooce.


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Democracy Now interview with Eric Saar

Wow. I don't listen to news much anymore. It's just too depressing, but I did listen to Democracy Now today while I was going through my enormous in-pile (no longer just an in-box.) You can listen or watch Amy's interview with Eric Saar, a translator at Guantanamo online. It was strange to heat an interviewee on Democracy Now saying, "Yes, mam" all the time. And this kid is clearly a white bread, admire-the-army type of guy. He decided that what we were doing in Guantanamo was unethical, and I admire him for saying so. I think it took a lot of courage and a lot of mental strength to handle the cognitive dissonance that he must of felt as he decided that the extreme behavior he saw around him was immoral and still kept his patriotism.

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

New Life Discovered

In the tops of Redwood trees there are gardens with soil 4 feet deep, ponds, salamanders and crustaceans! My mom called this sunny afternoon to tell me about the article she read. (It's in the New Yorker, not online, but you can check out this online article about that article.) She was amazed that they discovered whole new life forms up there. I'm amazed at how happy I am to talk to my mom, someone I used to be so angry at that when I was nice to her, my aggression came out towards her in my dreams. This is indicitive of vast changes in my family and myself. So, my cheesy metaphor of the day is: there is always a new life waiting to be discovered in your old life. Keep climbing. :)

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43 Folders

This is a great site about poductivity geared more toward the Mac. The title "43 folders" comes from David Allen's system in Getting Things Done. My GTD software has disapeared off my machine today and I've been looking around the internet for clues. Anyway, check out 43 Folders. I like his quote of the week from Anne Lamott,
[Y]ou can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
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Write it down, make it happen?

I had a looonngg (read decade) search for a career direction. In college I liked learning about everything and after 5 years I graduated with a default Liberal Arts degree. Years later I finally did the excercises I had thumbed past several times in What Color is Your Parachute. They took much longer than the "two day weekend" the book predicted and they were soooo worth it. I finally had a clear picture of exactly what kind of job I would like, and when the opportunity for a career direction that fit those characteristics came along just weeks later, this usually creepingly slow decider decided real quickly. Since then I've been thinking, if it worked for finding a career, maybe it will work for finding a MAN! :) Oswegatchie says it worked for her. If it works as quickly as Parachute did for me, I could be married by this time next year! Ahh! (I'll leave it to you to read that "Ahhh!" as scared or joyful!)

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Now it's official

There's even a wikipedia entry about the Unitarian Jihad!

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Unitarian Jihad

Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader says.
Read the full Unitarian Jihad message here!

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righteous babe records > > > ani difranco > > > knuckle down

Ani DiFranco has some mighty funky music and some of it moves me mightily. This particular track is fairly accessible. I recommend listening to Stydying Stones, turning off the lights and dancing, or drawing a sad picture, or leaning back in your chair and crying. Ani's songs make me want to dance.

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What is BlogThis! ?

Oh it is so super cool! This is a super easy way to make posts to your blog with links already in place. It's good for the times you are surfing and just want to let other people know about what you've found. No logging in to blogger. No copying and pasting the link. Just click the "Blog This" bookmark you made. Blogger help will tell you all about it and hook you up with the "Blog This" link.

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Monday, May 02, 2005

Jill Sobule

Want to hear a pretty song? Check out Rock me to Sleep by Jill Sobule

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Illustration Friday: Ambition

Hey, I'm so happy I happen to have an illo that fits this weeks theme. I love Illustration Friday and haven't participated for awhile. I made this illo as a present for my friend's birthday. It is a vision of the future when Red's ambition to be a wild, funny, yet deep and meloncholy guitar player is realized. He is currently working on bar chords. I created this illo using this picture and this picture. This is one of Red's guitar hero's, Jimmy Page.

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